Auntie Mame and Edward Elric
by Eishi-Ai
Summary: This story was written in 2006. It's not under the category of crossover because I can't find any archive for the auntie mame series ..So ..I don't really Own any of the characters except maybe the late Patrick jr jr.. Warning inside.
1. Chapter 1

A/n: This is a story I wrote in year 2006 ..Um, I found it pretty entertaining. By the way, the end is cut off, so it's a very cruel cliffhanger that may never be resolved. Oh well.

I don't have an auntie Mame experience of my own, but Ed does, and it is quite long, so all I can ask is that everyone has a seat. Ed has a story to tell, and being his author, I tend to think that Ed might as well rather be me.

I can hear him as we speak, saying: Yes…yes…lets get this over with, so without further ado, I introduce you to...Ed.

It was a cold chill morning in which Ed had suddenly found himself in the most mystifying situation. But let me tell you exactly how I came to find him. I had been scrounging through the trash all day, looking for my lost quarter. It was not one of those ordinary quarters, but a magic one. This quarter was the sort that had always given me hope in death defying situations, and a hell full of bad luck when I didn't have it.

Thus, as my birthday states, I was doomed to walk in the shadow of my quarter.

And that was when I bumped into the most peculiar looking kid ever. A boy with blond hair in a pony tail and a metal right arm. Now before anyone tells me that I'm copyrighting off of some comic script – May I remind you about a certain rule that says freedom of speech? I bloody well saw a boy with a metal arm, and I do have the freedom to say it, whether it is an anecdote, tall tale or a little White Lie.

And I don't think I should've needed to pay for the damages that this kid did to my sanity. Especially as the metal coin that cursed me in good or bad health – was stuck hard to his metal arm. This is one way to tell when something isn't cheap, but the situation was really starting to get out of hand. "Excuse me," I said. "I would really like it if you dispatched my quarter from your arm. Now I know it sounded strange to many people, and even I had to admit that despite his metallic handshake--.

The strange look he gave me was clearly plausible. He glanced at me once, giving me the once over. "This yours…?" he asked. I saw his eye twitch, and I knew now that he was clearly annoyed.

"Get it off of me you bastard!!!" he shouted, brandishing his metal arm.

I think I had to stifle my laughter, seeing the kid jump up and down like a little nut.

"Feisty for a little one," I said.

He shot me a glare that could've rivaled doomsday with a cat face. "What did you call me you little pipsqueak."

I rolled my eyes. "May I point out that we are the same height?"

It seemed my luck had run short. I looked at him again. Very short.

He blinked, a bit confused, when I offered to shake his hand. And that was the first of many of my Auntie Mame style adventures.

Lets check out the situation here, folks, I needed the quarter, and the kid needed a place to stay. We were both pretty much idiots to our own curses, so we put two and two together. After I found out that dislodging the quarter in any fashion would've been just as bad as trying to dislodge the arm itself. So once I offered to adopt the poor person, he was a little more than relieved. After he found out that I wasn't a pervert with a strange fetish and was genuinely trying to retrieve my quarter.

I suppose both our rigorous struggles convinced each of us that we were no threat to each other.

"So let me introduce you to the house, Ed," I said.

Ed turned out to have a respectfully inquisitive nature. His eyes widened at the various doors and corners, and he even tried to sit on one of the gargoyle statues. If I weren't so amused, I wouldn't have told him that no, it was not possible to transfigure a gargoyle into a frog.  
But along with the knowledge of my cursed coin, and the fact that the Ed person's arm wasn't just a mere trophy, I think I should've known better.

If it were any day but this day, I would ordinarily get up for breakfast at the scheduled hour. But as I was quite a sensitive sleeper, I was awakened by some muttering coming from the kitchen. Now…one could now easily guess that the muttering was something quiet unusual as it would take quite a lot of any regular mutterings to disturb my morning sleep. I got up from the bed, and stepped out into the hallway.

"Ed..?" I called.

I saw his hands glowing, and then I saw him turning to face me. Holding a pot of boiling water, it was quite clear to me then that by offering some sort of place to live for this child, that I had inevitably stumbled upon the most...interesting human I would ever meet in my life.

It took awhile for me to regain my senses, but Ed looked as if I were just as strange as a pot of boiling water...that had apparently once been ice cubes from the freezer.

"What is it?" he asked me.

I feigned interest in the floor, glancing at him as though he were hiding a secret stove under the floorboards, but even I knew how impossible that was.

He seemed to read my look, and glanced out the window, an almost forlorn and sad expression on his face. Let's see what I knew of Ed so far. He had a metal arm that attracted my cursed coin. He had a bad temper, and he liked to sit on my gargoyle statues...I was in quite an awkward position, and I was not sure what to say to someone that seemed to be mourning silently in such a condition. Wouldn't you be sort of aghast, if not a bit -- uneasy?

"Good morning," I said. It was the first thing that came to mind in any story so it was the first thing that came from my mouth.

"Hey," he said, a grin returning to his face. He drew something out of his coat and held out my diary.

I blinked. "What the hell were you doing with that..?" Now it was my turn to be angry.

"Studying it," said Ed. "Too bad I couldn't get much else but nonsense. You people are weird...keeping a book of letters. And what's a mustang? Sounds annoying --"

I snatched the diary back. "That would be a private matter," I said. If it were not for the fact that the brat's words were getting more interesting by the second -- then you would've seen this whole account burned down.

He grinned to me, and just yawned. I would learn later that he was a master of deception.

"So how old are you really," I asked, once I sat at the breakfast table. I sniffed in indignance as food came flying out of his mouth when he spoke, but sighed, just shaking my head. He looked to his fingers and then started counting all ten three times. But then he stopped. Right in the middle of what would've been the fifth row and said. "AHA...I'm about...two hundred years old now..."

"Really?" I said. "You must have an incredibly long growth spurt."

He glared at me. "What did you say?!"

Before I could respond, the doorbell rang, and I glanced over at the newspaper man, who handed me the daily news. I glanced at the heading. "Aliens landed without a space ship a big red crater appears in Gateway park." Ed blinked at the crater-like structure but I didn't miss the strange look that passed by on his expression. I glanced at his floating arm and then remembered the boiling pot of water. "And you would be the alien in question?" I asked. I sighed to myself. Tut… tut…tut...how did I get myself into this mess? "Well, I have said that you could stay here, so what more do you want? Stop looking at me like a deer in the headlights," I snapped.

Ed nodded. "Yeah...but..."

I headed over to the small kitchen shelf of books. "Why aren't I surprised that you have a metal arm?" I asked. I shrugged. Realistically, it would've been frightening, but there was really no way I could judge a cover by it's book. Especially now that my beloved lucky coin was taken, and that I needed it's presence around to function in my life normally. "I don't really care about matters such as these. I prefer to live my life without worry, and while I see no real cause for it, you can be sure that you'll remain safe."

I got up from my chair and got ready to head outdoors. I looked out and saw Ed's expression, once again drifting out the window. "What are you thinking about anyway?" I asked. "It's not good to think about things that probably won't happen." I had meant to sound wise but apparently it angered him.

"What do you know...?" he muttered.

I opened the door, and he ran to catch up with me, standing in front of the open doorway, but facing the other way. "I'm going out too," he said. "This place is creepy..." It seemed like he were to say something else and I asked him on this. He glared at me. "Why do you ask so many questions anyway? It's not like you know me and my brother." That had been the first slip I had come to finding out about this Ed person. "Me and my brother," he said softly. "We lived in a world of depression...during the war I think. I don't remember when it happened or how, but we depended on each other for a lot of things..." He trailed off and looked to the ground.

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Outside in the park, I watched as the kid walked down the streets. He spotted a funeral procession, and looked at it as if it were the strangest thing he'd ever seen. "What are they so happy about?" he asked.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, looking oddly fatherly in a business suit. He looked normal as well, having raided my old day closet and borrowed my gloves and several outfits I had outgrown. I didn't mind since the whole place was stocked with various things that my dear mother had bought for me. My grandparents however, had bought a whole bunch of other things that Ed had 'borrowed'. For instance, there was a lava lamp that Ed seemed to take endless fascination to. He told me the contents of the chemical reactions of the mercury in the water, which I appreciated and have considered handwrapping it for him as a birthday present.

I glanced over at him, watching as he adjusted the collar to his suit. It was now oddly befitting since he had already reminded me of a miniature version of Dracula.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

I raised my hands. Had I said that last part aloud?

He continued ranting..grinding his fist against a tree trunk. "I"LL BEAT YOU UP AND DRACULA!" he growled.

"Don't be angry..he's just a smidge taller..."

I ducked as he aimed a metal fist at me.

He reached to grab my collar and shake me like a rag doll..but missed a bit..and took out a letter from my pocket. I fumed, scrabbling through the dirt just so that I could trip him. It was a shame since I really did like my paper white gloves. I saw some snickering and looked up to see Ed sitting on the branch of a tree with a scary grin on his face. He cackled until I threw a rock at him, and then he stuck out a tongue at me.

"Whose this Auntie Mame...anyway?" he asked.

"If you must know..she died a little while ago," I said coldly.

"And who're you? Her grandson? This woman sounds like she's age old?"

I fumed. "For your information, I happen to be Patrick Jr. Her great great grandchild."

Ed yawned. "Yeah..whatever. What happened to the last of her letters anyway?"

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Watching the attic stairs fall open, I felt a sense of nostalgia. Knowing Auntie Mame in her last days -- I had always thought of her as the gentle rose who suddenly fell ill with a fever. Father had always been moody after her death, and had soon passed away along with my last childhood memories. I immersed myself in my studies after that, looking over spells and ancient runes on the dead. When I met Ed...I had thought my curse couldn't have gotten any worse.

Ed pushed aside some boxes and coughed at the dust. "So where're the letters?" he asked. He had that calm impatient glimmer in his eye. It was not unlike a little child coming to collect his present on Christmas day. Such spoiled brats...

"It's in that chest over there..." I pointed over to the chest and he glanced at it, reading the ancient runes on the chest as if it were a library book. "Do not open or thou will be cursed with many enemies."

I frowned. "What?"

He pointed to the letters. "It says plainly in ancient letters," said Ed. "You see -- that symbol means -- " I looked over at him. "So that means you know how to open it?"

Ed grinned. "Of course..just gimme a second to work at it.."

He brought his hands together, and the lock disintegrated before my eyes, sandy and papery and then dust and then air.

We watched inside the chest with awe. Inside it...was a ton of gold and diamonds, plus -- My dear Auntie Mame's letters.

Ed grabbed my arm before I could reach forward to it. "Listen.." he said quietly.

I turned, and looked around at the attic. Nothing was unusual at first, and then softly -- I heard a creaking and moaning noise saying words I could not understand. Ed shivered, and I froze. "What. Is. That?"

Ed shook his head. "I don't know, but it doesn't seem happy."

We reclosed the chest, and I walked with Ed downstairs. Tinkling bells of laughter descended all around us -- and we couldn't help but think that something,

Had gone terribly wrong.

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When we woke up today, Ed had a slight fever. It started quite suddenly that we had no time to figure out the cause of the sickness. So I called the doctor, and by the time he arrived, he couldn't do much but cringe. However, Ed's metallic arm and leg may have had something to do with it. I could tell he was pulling medicine out of his head, when Ed gave more coughs during the first testing. I glared at him, almost ready to demand a refund. Ed looked over at me, and then looked quickly away, face flushed with some various type of rare fever.

Walking away, I placed a hand on Ed's forehead, but he only tried to slap my hand away. A frown crossed my expression, tilting down in a half annoyed and jagged purse. It was quite unsettling to see him ill.

"Shouldn't he be getting some fresh air?"

The doctor shook his head. "That is the last thing he should be getting, in fact if I were you I would lock him away and bolt the key."

Ed shook a bit and coughed into the pillow. I reached over to grab some tissues.

"Please make sure he doesn't get out of the room," continued the doctor. He left, and I sat by to watch the kid rest.

Ed looked miserably out the window, and I made a decision. No one's last days were supposed to be in a bed. Putting on some white gloves, I picked Ed up.

Ed looked curiously to me, feeling light and small in my arms.

Smiling grimly I helped him redress his coat. "We're leaving."

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Once out into the air, Ed felt remarkably better, his face paling into a healthy pearl tanned and tinted pink. His head was leaning against my shoulder.

"Put me down," he said softly. I obeyed, deciding not to argue for the moment until I knew that he was all right. Dead autumn leaves fell around us, along with a chill breeze that dusted lightly over my eyes. "Ed.." I started.

Ed brought his palms together in the motion of clapping, and warmed up the air around us. He smirked to himself, cheering up when he spotted some robbins twittering on a nest. Bringing his hands together again, he allowed the birds a small house made from the leaves. I stared in wonder, just watching two small marble eyes peek out from the recesses of the snug house.

While we walked past the trees, it soon grew evident of the silence around us.

"What?" he asked me.

"Nothing," I said, and looked towards the sky.

He drew into his coat pocket and drew out a piece of paper. It was Auntie Mame's letter.

"I snagged it out of the box," he informed me. "You might want to make sure no one else takes the rest -- if they haven't already."

"What do you mean?"

Ed yawned, stretching. "Those guys back at the house weren't your friends?"

"What guys?"

Ed paused while we looked at eachother.

"It's just like Auntie Mame," I sighed. My only consolation was that I knew what she would've said in this situation. "Why Patrick Jr, Darling, you'll do fine on your own. As long as it's with a fine respectful little boy of your own someday. I almost laughed out loud, when remembering this.

"Ed.." I started. I glanced over at him dubiously. He was normal...wasn't he?

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Compartments in the trains had always been crowded. With Ed around, I was finding it far more difficult to maneuver around and keep track of him. "ED -- " I shouted, shoving some people aside and bounding over to what I thought was his form. Sadly, it turned out to be a girl scout with the same hairstyle. Someone threw a suitcase at me and I almost got hit in my hurry to turn.

"IDIOT..how can you mistake a full grown man for that?!" He shouted, pointing at the girl. She cried and ran off, only to return with her very angry boyfriend.

"I'm sorry sir, it was very easy to mistake my friend over there as a girl...he's got the same body build.." Both the boyfriend and Ed glared at me. I looked around for a distraction. "Oh no, look at the time -- the train's leaving!"

We then proceeded to do what was most likely what Ed would call 'a severe case of hauling ass'.

Let me update you on what was going on.

After Ed and I had returned home, we discovered that half the house was missing furniture, including the gold chest and the curse. We were relieved that the curse didn't eventually kill us, but have now seen different mysterious cases of death broadcasted live over the television. We were almost ransacked by some robberers trying to steal Ed, and sell him over the black market as a robot. I sighed, looking down at the list of bills. Shortly after the incident, my family called and told me that they had gone bankrupt because they were targeted by thieves.

Luckily, my savings was hidden in a secret location -- one that I had easy access to because of Riley, my accountant.

"Good bye Riley," I said, and shut off my cell phone.

Ed yawned from the opposite side of the compartment while two strangers walked up to us, and took seats near us. The first one was a girl with black hair, and the second one had red. They were dressed in business suits, and smelled crisply of paper documents. We didn't talk much due to all of our -- or what I assume was -- our quiet natures.

It only took a few more moments of silence when I couldn't stand it. I nudged Ed.

"The newspaper has been talking about many new changes made to the plan. They said that some of the people we're looking for won't have any of the money -- but they do have something more important. The letter...So we can't let what Auntie Mame said harm anyone."

I spoke in an encrypted sentence, hoping that the two businesswoman would leave. Ed listened intently to my voice.

The train stopped at a spot and the two did just that. I sighed in relief, and headed off to the food cart to look for some snacks.

When I came back Ed leapt up to me and snatched a piece of pumpkin pie out of my hand. CHOMP...Living with Ed in these past few days, it had been hard to ignore how quickly he ate. One pie after another of the ten I had gotten was halfway gone, and I shook my head again. Such a spoiled brat...I thought, tossing a jelly bean into my mouth.

I got out my newpaper and started to read.

And then Ed gagged. He held his stomach fast...and it looked like he were to heave right on the train. I considered getting up to look for a bucket, when he coughed, and out flew another piece of paper.

"S - stupid pie," he muttered, holding his stomach and leaning out the window again.

I poked at the letter and it started to move by itself, unflapping it's papery folds now moist with acid, and turning to face me with some bold, freshly looking printed letters. I gaped. After studying her writing for years -- I just knew it had to be one of Auntie Mame's. It said:

Darling...I'm back, and it looks like you've got your own little love with you. Ed now, is it? Perhaps we should help him out in life.

My eyes widened. A firm believer in Auntie Mame's teachings, I knew how forceful she can be in my interests.

Another ball of paper whacked Ed in the head firmly. It uncrinkled itself as well...and fluttered to the feet of the business woman. The woman shrieked and so did her friend. I glanced at my letter again, and saw some more writing appear.

Those two will be perfect for eachother...So -- what do they have in the snack carts? Aunty needs some food.

I wasn't sure what to say, until the business woman shrieked and threw her arms around Ed. "OH...of course I'll marry you!" she said.

"Ed..." I said softly. Ed gulped and pointed to the paper now in the woman's hand.

It was a marriage proposal written in Auntie's handwriting...addressed to the woman's name (Sara) from Ed.

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"So when does the rest of your family come?" Ed asked quietly.

I coughed and turned my head to the side to hide my smile. Ed looked to me in questioning, and then gave a yawn. "Well, I'm going," he said. "It's been nice knowing you and all..."

I blinked. "You're going just like that?!" This boy was insane to no end. Ed sighed, and glanced my way.

"Look...Patrick," he said softly. "You've been very nice to me but -- How do I say this? I CAN'T GET LEGALLY MARRIED..."

I blinked. Oh yes, if the police found out about this, the would most likely throw the poor girl into jail for pedophile. I sighed, blinking away tears. "I forgot how young you were still..."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Hey old man -- I'm not walking down the wedding aisle in diapers."

I sighed. "All right all right...Just give me a few hours to dissuade them from continuing this charade."

It hadn't been hard to get Ed to agree to a marriage -- as any mention of it left him dumbstruck and unable to do anything but gape like one of the various bear jars that I had in the house. He frowned and crossed his arms -- wanting nothing more than to leave, but knowing that it'd be honorable to at least tell the woman before he abandoned her at the wedding aisle. I sighed and asked him one of the weirdest questions I would ever have to.

"You know -- you two have been talking about equivalent trade a lot -- could it be that you really like her?"

Ed froze and then glanced at me in something like anger and horror. "How do you know about that?"

I sighed, and shook my head. Though Ed and Sara had a one-sided relationship, it hadn't escaped me that she had seemed to know him. When they were not busy arguing about where to have the marriage like somewhere in the middle of the desert versus Rome or Paris, they were sitting in the corner, both staring out the window like it were a contest of whose sorrow could break it first.

Right now, Ed was looking mighty skittery. I wonder if he was trying to ask me if I approved of their relationship. I suppose I was looked upon as some sort of unofficial guardian for him, but as no one knew this, I didn't think it necessary to have advised him to go forth and spread his wings...like they did in little children's fairy tales.

"So," I started. "When shoud I have invited my family here...?" I smirked. "If not for the fact that there's a big storm out there already -- I'd say you were acting perfectly normal."

"Ed honey!" shouted Sara. "Are you ready to er..go out?"

I looked suspiciously at them


	2. Chapter 2

A/n: I'm sorry..there are some really painful typos in this chapter..But..Um ..it's not going to be published..so..Please bear with me :P

I wasn't sure what to say, until the business woman shrieked and threw her arms around Ed. "OH...of course I'll marry you!" she said.

"Ed..." I said softly. Ed gulped and pointed to the paper now in the woman's hand.

It was a marriage proposal written in Auntie's handwriting...addressed to the woman's name (Sara) from Ed.

"So when does the rest of your family come?" Ed asked quietly.

I coughed and turned my head to the side to hide my smile. Ed looked to me in questioning, and then gave a yawn. "Well, I'm going," he said. "It's been nice knowing you and all..."

I blinked. "You're going just like that?!" This boy was insane to no end. Ed sighed, and glanced my way.

"Look...Patrick," he said softly. "You've been very nice to me but -- How do I say this? I CAN'T GET LEGALLY MARRIED..."

I blinked. Oh yes, if the police found out about this, the would most likely throw the poor girl into jail for pedophile. I sighed, blinking away tears. "I forgot how young you were still..."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Hey old man -- I'm not walking down the wedding aisle in diapers."

I sighed. "All right all right...Just give me a few hours to dissuade them from continuing this charade."

It hadn't been hard to get Ed to agree to a marriage -- as any mention of it left him dumbstruck and unable to do anything but gape like one of the various bear jars that I had in the house. He frowned and crossed his arms -- wanting nothing more than to leave, but knowing that it'd be honorable to at least tell the woman before he abandoned her at the wedding aisle. I sighed and asked him one of the weirdest questions I would ever have to.

"You know -- you two have been talking about equivalent trade a lot -- could it be that you really like her?"

Ed froze and then glanced at me in something like anger and horror. "How do you know about that?"

I sighed, and shook my head. Though Ed and Sara had a one-sided relationship, it hadn't escaped me that she had seemed to know him. When they were not busy arguing about where to have the marriage like somewhere in the middle of the desert versus Rome or Paris, they were sitting in the corner, both staring out the window like it were a contest of whose sorrow could break it first.

Right now, Ed was looking mighty skittery. I wonder if he was trying to ask me if I approved of their relationship. I suppose I was looked upon as some sort of unofficial guardian for him, but as no one knew this, I didn't think it necessary to have advised him to go forth and spread his wings...like they did in little children's fairy tales.

"So," I started. "When shoud I have invited my family here...?" I smirked. "If not for the fact that there's a big storm out there already -- I'd say you were acting perfectly normal."

"Ed honey!" shouted Sara. "Are you ready to er..go out?"

I looked suspiciously at them. Who ever heard of bride asking the groom into the wedding chapel?

Ed paused, staring at the floor and looking at the wall. A small blotch of something fell to the floor and I realized it wasn't mine. When the wedding song started, I watched him walk away and enter the doors to the ceremony, dressed in a suit of black oddly fitting to our mood. Ed was quite strange in many ways...

There were times when he seemed like a brilliant tactician and others - a tiresome litle brat. There weren't many chances for us to converse, as he rarely spoke to me during the various chessgames we had played. I found myself wondering what the heck I was doing.

What was I doing sending off the only thing I would even come close to condsidering as my child to marriage within six weeks of meeting eachother? When examined by the doctor; it was determined that he should only be fifteen or sixteen? And the fact that he was not even legally a citizen of the United States?

I made up my mind. Ed was going to get married...over my dead cold hands. Not for a promise he didn't make or a reason he had not consulted me with. After all -- the doctor's bill would've sent the other half of my house to heaven, and the lucky brat still hadn't repayed me for it.

I reached to open a door before getting roughly jerked back by a person with a guard uniform. He had cold gray eyes and a tough looking mustache which looked like it could've been strong enough to resist a comb. "Only person allowed in here are family members. According to the laws of equivalent trade -- you are not."

"There must be some mistake," I said. "I'm the father of the groom.."

"Father..eh, boy?" snarled the guard. "I need your idenitfication card..."

A few minutes later I was drenched, cold, and out in the rain, having been kicked out of a church...to put it simply.

"How humiliating...."

But there was no time to waste. I walked the streets in search of a disguise shop, and instead came upon the only other building within walking distance. It was a shop called Ms. Marie's clothing shop with frills on the coners of the sidestops. It was a miracle that the place wasn't dirty, so I decided to take a peek in, as there was nothing but a window full of boring dresses and flowery desgins on the outside.

"Hello!" I said to someone who would've been around. "This is a catastrophe! I need something monstrously hideous...pehaps a bear suit with extra long claws?"

A lady with eyes like beetles walked across the counter and glanced at me. "You look like a fine young sir," she said softly. "May I interest you in some smelling salts?"

"What?" I flabbergasped.

It was then that I fully took in my surroundings. The entrance had been gaudier than a circus stampede as there were vairious paintings lined with fabrics of all types. Strange per-fumes protruded from dust clean shelves. The walls were covered in cave man paintings with cave men carrying rings and cavewomen carrying bouquets with silk linings glued onto them as well and velvet curtain framing.

There were also a picture of some lions mating in a courtyard and some vultures carrying flowers in their beaks.

I was almost beginning this were a shop for the sane.

"How about a vacuum...?" continued the woman.

"N - no thanks.."

"A chest of gold and jewelry?"

"No.."

"A magic lamp..made from china!"

"No...and aren't those made in India?"

"Erm...how about these nice sets of earings and a sword! To impress your wife!"

"Heavens no..I'm only 20.."

"Let me guess," said the woman. "You're here to get a wedding ring...?"

I shook my head, no.

"Ack..I knew zat was getting old.." said the woman.

"I need something to stop a marriage!" I shouted. I had been only planning to get in but time was running out.

I was roughly handed a light blue, dimonded included with heels...pair of bracelets...and the most horrifyingly "happy" blue flower GIRL dress that I had ever seen in my life.

By the time I could react...I had been kicked out of the store as well, and sent on my way to the church...as Auntie Mame.

Did I mention that I now despised psychics?

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I made it just in time for the wedding vows to start. Ed's had already done his and I didn't have a chance to catch it. Apparently, Sara had chosen to do an entire legion of poetics, which would rule and conquer the entire audience to oblivion. She was quite good at it too -- with nothing more than a blink of an eye as Aunt Malady burst into tears at her melodramatic stanzas.

"It feeds on the ideas of hoplessness sadness and turmoil and it doesn't take emotion until the will is gone completely. The idea of sadness which I love..will only be devoured in my death," she finished.

"Ahem, I suppose that is an I do then?" the priest muttered. "So if anyone has any objections to this.."

"I do," I said.

Both Ed and Sara looked at me. "What?!"

Every single pair of eyes stared at me, and someone gasped out. "It's Auntie Mame!"

"Don't be silly Merry Indy..it's only Patrick in drag -- "

"Oh. My. God."

"He looks like a bleeding woman -- "

"With makeup!"

"Quiet!" I shouted.

"I object to any idea of this particular wedding because, according to Riley, Sara Mame wrote a will to return her entire fortune to me and it was fulfilled on the day of my birth!"

I looked to Sara. "Who are you really?"

Sara looked at me sadly, and then lifted her hands. Air around us trembled with a shiver as her aura caressed the stunned and speechless audience. "I am Sara Mame..." she said. "I am...your mother."

Everyone gasped, and I stared speechlessly at her. "I'm sorry Patrick," she continued. "But...an equivalent trade has been made...My happiness for life...if unfulfilled..is my second death."

With a celestial glow in her hand, a pink light started to form around us. My conscious was doubletaking and I thought I would go blind. Ed looked away from me and out the window, sighing and shaking his head. "She's gone," he said softly. "So is Al...Maybe now he can rest in peace..with her."

Perhaps it had been the bill that Riley told me about just as I informed him of Ed's wetting a few hours ago. Or that truly pitifully forlorn expression on his face -- but I was certainly having none of it.

"Rest in peace my arse!" I shouted.

"Listen here, Romeo." I growled sarcastically. "I did not pay a hell of a fortune to get into the wedding with a dress that will never see the light of day again -- that I will pay a measly few cents later to gain the satisfaction of seeing it burn from the sweet fumes of the gasoline flames! And neither is my dad..once he finds out about this! So we're going to get back those letters AND your brother..now MOVE..you lazy piece of shrimp!"

Ed was too shocked at first to respond as I dragged him out the door.

"He really is Auntie Mame's grandchild," said wise aunt Jane. "They have that same insane glint in their eyes."

"And the same dress..." said my uncle. His young and overpaid second wife's slap was punctured only by Ed's outburst from the hallway.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

And here my friend is the Rocky beginning of Ed, Auntie Mame/Patrick and the missing letters.


End file.
